Recovering After Divorce

When Divorce Interferes in a Transaction

When Divorce Interferes in a Transaction

Marriages already strained by the economic crisis are thrust into even worse territory when couples choose to divorce but cannot sell their homes.

Each spouse needs the proceeds of the property sale to make a downpayment on another home or to otherwise move on with their lives; but in many instances, there are no takers for the residence and the owners owe more than the real estate is worth.

While one spouse might move in with family or friends, the couple often has to remain in the home together to wait out the housing downturn.

This causes even more friction, and New Jersey divorce attorney Vikki Ziegler is worried the trend could lead to a rise in domestic violence.

In some cases, the home is divided into "his" and "her" areas, or estranged spouses take turns living in the home with their children. Some couples are using retirement accounts to make divorce settlement payments.

The situation can be even more complicated when one partner wants to keep the house and refuses to agree to a sale arrangement.

"They never agree to the price, the terms, or make themselves available for showings," says Elizabeth Blakeslee of Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage in Georgetown, Washington, D.C. She acknowledges that real estate agents are not marriage counselors, but they should be aware of the financial considerations involved when a split couple is trying to sell their home.

"Anytime there's a peripheral issue (like divorce, a job loss, death or possible foreclosure), it's important to get it all out in the open," she says. "If a couple is getting a divorce and trying to sell their house, they need to give their [real estate agent] as much information as necessary."

It also is critical, Blakeslee adds, for the property professional to assign the home an appropriate asking price and to avoid siding with either spouse.

Source: Washington Times, Carisa Chappell (07/17/09)

© Copyright 2009 Information Inc.

In love? It's not enough to keep a marriage, study finds

Posted 2009-07-14 by Reuters Life!

SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) – Living happily ever after needn't only be for fairy tales. Australian researchers have identified what it takes to keep a couple together, and it's a lot more than just being in love.

A couple's age, previous relationships and even whether they smoke or not are factors that influence whether their marriage is going to last, according to a study by researchers from the Australian National University.

The study, entitled "What's Love Got to Do With It," tracked nearly 2,500 couples -- married or living together -- from 2001 to 2007 to identify factors associated with those who remained together compared with those who divorced or separated.

It found that a husband who is nine or more years older than his wife is twice as likely to get divorced, as are husbands who get married before they turn 25.

Children also influence the longevity of a marriage or relationship, with one-fifth of couples who have kids before marriage -- either from a previous relationship or in the same relationship -- having separated compared to just nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.

Women who want children much more than their partners are also more likely to get a divorce.

A couple's parents also have a role to play in their own relationship, with the study showing some 16 percent of men and women whose parents ever separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to 10 percent for those whose parents did not separate.

Also, partners who are on their second or third marriage are 90 percent more likely to separate than spouses who are both in their first marriage.

Not surprisingly, money also plays a role, with up to 16 percent of respondents who indicated they were poor or where the husband -- not the wife -- was unemployed saying they had separated, compared with only nine percent of couples with healthy finances.

And couples where one partner, and not the other, smokes are also more likely to have a relationship that ends in failure.

Factors found to not significantly affect separation risk included the number and age of children born to a married couple, the wife's employment status and the number of years the couple had been employed.

The study was jointly written by Dr Rebecca Kippen and Professor Bruce Chapman from The Australian National University, and Dr Peng Yu from the Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs.

(Writing by Miral Fahmy; Editing by Nick Macfie)

9 Reasons People Cheat

Posted 2009-03-21 by Rich Santos, Marie Claire

by Rich Santos, Marie Claire, on Mon Mar 16, 2009 8:05am PDT

Getty Images

Why do I find it so easy not to cheat?

Maybe I'm not very attractive, so my options are limited. Maybe I'm too jaded to go for the cheating opportunities. Maybe I still have some mental wounds lingering from when my dad temporarily moved out because he had met another woman. Maybe I'm too afraid that I've reached my sin quotient and one more big sin will keep me out of heaven.

Cheating is not a caught in the moment thing if you are really into your significant other, you miss them when you are not with them, you don't look for a way to hurt or deceive them.

I am just now patching up a friendship with someone I was seeing while they had a boyfriend (that may make me a cheater). At different points she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend, that they were back together, and that he was boring and I was fun. It was total confusion.

I told her she wasn't being fair to herself, me, or him.

Finally, she said, "you just don't understand, there are things you don't know." Thing is she's been cheating on him for a couple of years with different guys, and he keeps taking her back.

So, are cheaters born cheaters, or do certain situations cause people to cheat? Probably a little bit of both. Here are some situations that make people cheat:

1. Bored
I'd say this is the most common reason that people cheat.It's tough to keep that edge throughout a relationship. Things start off grand and then level off and then you both realize that it's still real life. When you meet someone else, that inaugural excitement of a new relationship kicks back in.

2. Dependence
At first glance, cheating seems like independent behavior. It could be interpreted as doing what you want, when you want. But I would argue that cheating is a dependent behavior. A cheater is dependent because they are not strong enough to break up with their significant other in order to get with the new person.

3. Confusion
Sometimes life or a particular situation can get to you. When the perfect storm of confusion is going on in your head, you make mistakes.

4. Because They Let You
If any girl ever cheated on me, I'd break up with her immediately. Forgiving a cheater is putting up with it, and starts a vicious cycle. That person who cheated may lose respect for you and might continue to cheat-because they know they can get away with it, because you'll continue to take them back.

5. Nurturing
If someone is mistreating you, then your first instinct is to get away from him or her. But sometimes it's not that simple-maybe you are raising kids together. If you feel trapped in a bad relationship, it's only natural that you will run to the open arms of a person who treats you well.

6. Revenge
This is quite simple- an eye for an eye. Cheat on them if they cheat on you. If they continuously hurt you or abuse you in some way, you do it to get them back.

7. Confirmation of Attractiveness
Sometimes when you're in a long relationship, or if your significant other is taking you for granted, you begin to wonder if you're still attractive. Perhaps, because you were out on the dating circuit, you felt more attractive when you were single. If you have an affair, you've proven that a new person can be attracted to you.

8. The Thrill
Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating: running around secretly, risking getting caught, andcreating thrilling moments with a forbidden romance.

9. They Don't Consider It Cheating, Even Though You Might
Relationships have that grey area, usually right before you become exclusive. He thinks date #4 is when you're "together," and you think date #2 is when you're "together." If you haven't talked about exclusivity, someone may think they are well within their rights to see other people, even though the other person in the relationship may not.

I don't understand why people don't break up as soon as they have an urge to cheat. Is it natural to have temptation, or is temptation a sign that the relationship is losing its fire? What reasons would you add to this list, and do you disagree with any? If you've ever cheated, why did you do it? Could you forgive a cheater? If you are single, but seeing a person who is in a

Dating Advice: Top 10 Relationship Tips

Posted 2009-03-16 by Lauren Denigan for Cosmopolitan

These days, more and more happy couples are seeing counselors to keep their unions humming along. Here, the country's top love experts offer up their best advice -- for free!

By Lauren Denigan for Cosmopolitan

Photo: iStockphoto.com/© Nikolay Mamluke

Updated: Mar 6, 2009

Beginning a relationship is generally the easy part; it's maintaining the connection that gets a little tricky. That's why a growing number of twosomes (whether or not they've tied the knot) are going into couples therapy as a preemptive strike against the tough times that will inevitably hit... and to learn how to keep the good times flowing. To give you a leg up in your love life, we asked the country's top relationship experts to share the most crucial things they've uncovered over the years -- from big-picture philosophies to little gestures that go a long way. These practices will help keep your union in a happy, healthy place.

More Dating Articles from Cosmopolitan:

1. Act Out of Character. Couples develop a particular dynamic: the way they relate to each other that repeats itself over and over. If you break that pattern and act against type -- in a positive way -- you inject new life into the relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank him when he does a good job. It works every time. -- Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia

2. Get in Touch a Lot. No doubt you hug and kiss each other. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're watching TV and taking his hand when you're walking down the street are also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces your affection and makes you feel closer on an instinctive level. -- Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author of "Emotional Fitness for Couples"

3. Take Turns Talking. To make sure you both get a chance to state what's on your mind during a disagreement -- and get your points across -- alternate playing reflective therapist, where one listens while the other talks. -- Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of "Opening Love's Door"

4. Find the Intersection. When making decisions together, try to find common ground. You each should write down exactly what you want. Let's say you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool city, a little sun... how about Miami? -- Paul Dobransky, MD, author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love"

5. Be More Positive Than Negative. There's a more effective way to air grievances than to file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment between two positives. If you want to complain about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing, but it really bothers me when you show up so late. I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be on time." -- Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD

6. Echo Each Other. When you and your man are having a serious relationship talk, it's easy to get so caught up in how you want to respond that you're not really listening to what's being said. That's why it's important for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've been heard and you feel understood. -- Yvonne Thomas

7. Take a Time-Out. Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So rather than let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws, even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV, for example, remind yourself how much you love his passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you, think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill, genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat with everyone in the room. -- Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection

8. Have His Back. You might not agree with your guy when he's had a riff with a friend or he thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always be on his side... and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that you'll support him no matter what. -- New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD

9. Spend a Little Money on Each Other. You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give small presents to show your love. In fact, gifts are more fun -- and meaningful -- when they're not expected. Try to get into the habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck though. It's not about being extravagant; it's just a way of showing that you really get -- and think about -- each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a pair of pajamas in your favorite color. -- Barton Goldsmith

10. Be a Good Date. Face it, no one can stay fascinating forever. After being together for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't think you're off the hook -- if you're feeling a little ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting date idea every month. Keep the time and details to yourself, and try to think outside the box -- dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example, is a much less predictable treat. -- Jennifer Oikle

Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.

Divorced Yet Still Living Together

Posted 2009-02-19 by Cheri Alguire

I saw this video on Yahoo today.

What are your thoughts on having to continue to live with your ex after divorcing?

Reasons for a Divorce

Posted 2009-02-19 by Charli

This article was posted on Yahoo.com on February, 19, 2008. I thought the author put together a good list. What do you think?

Top 10 Reasons For Divorce

by charli, on Tue Feb 17, 2009 8:12am PST

Some people marry each other, divorce and then re-marry. This sounds ridiculous but it happens and in most of the cases marriage ends in divorce, never to come together again. Most people try to linger on to their marriage. They do not know when to divorce. Let us try to understand the reasons why people want to divorce.
Some frequently cited reasons for divorce:

1. Lack of commitment towards marriage, sexual incompatibility and infidelity
Commitment may be lacking in one of the partners because marriage happens not always out of love. It could be seen as making a good deal and when it is found that the deal is not what he or she expected divorce happens. Besides, people looking for quick solutions cannot sustain marriage for long.

Philandering habits die hard and this leads to infidelity. People with uncontrollable libido or unhappy with his or her partner cannot be loyal to their partners. So when the wife or husband comes to know of his or her partner cheating on him or her divorce turns out to be the answer. The question that arises is when to divorce.
2. Lack of communication between spouses
Without communication no relationship can be effective. Keeping your resentments simmering within, your partner does not come to know what is happening with you and this is likely to create distance between you and your partner.

3.Abandonment, Alcohol Addiction , Substance Abuse
When one of the partners deserts his or her partner for quite some time or a longer period divorce emerges as the answer. One leaves his or her partner because of the latter’s bad habits.

Alcohol addiction and abuse prevent marital bliss because of the change in behavior pattern which makes an adverse impact upon mental peace and physical security.

4. Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse and Emotional Abuse
These abuses are not uncommon and tolerating them is not good and a person who loves himself or herself would not put with such abuses.

5.Inability to manage or resolve conflict
Lack of maturity disables one to manage conflicts and handle personality differences or ‘irreconcilable differences’

6.Differences in personal and career goals
People who cohabit before marriage have higher rates of divorce than people who didn’t cohabit before marriage because differences become gigantic in course of time. Initial comfort before marriage was imagined to take things ahead in future but in reality it does not happen.

7. Different expectations about household tasks and financial problems
When expectations do not match it affects relationships most. This leads to personality conflict because none of them are willing to do things or are ready to sacrifice their time and comfort.

Because what one wants the other to do, the other does not do there is dissatisfaction and frustration. In such instances love becomes sour. This exacerbates with financial problems because material needs remain unfulfilled and creates discontent in the minds of both the partners as one cannot give and feels humiliated and the other is frustrated because of long standing inconveniences.

8. Intellectual Incompatibility and Inflexibility
Intellectual incompatibility creates misunderstandings. And the smarter person feels frustrated while the less intelligent partner is mad about not reaching the level of intelligence of the other and makes life miserable for himself or herself and for the others also.

9. Mental Instability or Mental Illness
Insanity does not allow space for normal communication.

10. Religious beliefs, cultural and lifestyle differences
Cultural values clash unless we are highly adaptive in nature. Orthodoxy leads to intolerance and conservatism gags the spontaneity of life. So this leads to divorce after some time of marriage

Living Your Life On Purpose

Posted 2009-02-02 by Cheri Alguire

What is Your Purpose?

Purpose is an understanding of what your life is all about. Purpose provides the foundation of our values, vision and goals. Purpose gives meaning to everything we do in our personal and professional lives. In essence, purpose is the why.

Yet not all of us recognize our purpose or can articulate it. As in any life journey, it is difficult to arrive at a specific destination if we do not have an end in sight. The journey also must be joyful and heartfelt. It is purpose that makes life worthwhile and rewarding.

So to concentrate on your purpose or direction, begin to think “On Purpose.” Ask yourself the reason(s) why you do the things you do, and answer honestly.

Once you review the answers, determine if you like what you see. Are you living your life “On Purpose?” Are you fulfilling the intention of your values and ideals?

One key to discovering your personal purpose is in understanding the way you make a difference for others. Once revealed, understanding the way(s) you make a difference is the knowledge you need for building successful relationships. Your personal and professional success is built through creating value for others -- one relationship at a time. The importance of creating value for others as the theme of your purpose cannot be overemphasized. A self-centered or ego-driven purpose is doomed and will have a limited audience of admirers while an “other”-focused purpose creates synergy and provides shared meaning with others.

Discovering your purpose will give you insight into the value that you create for others. As you focus on how you can serve or create value for others, you build a platform for success. From this platform, your success and personal motivation grows and flourishes. We can see examples of this in all walks of life: from parenting to teaching, to coaching and mentoring, and beyond. The “pay it forward” rule multiplies the number of meaningful relationships we develop and nurture and thereby expands the richness of our personal, community and business lives.

Your purpose will also become your motivation to change, to take on new challenges and to improve all aspects of your life. Your purpose will become the catalyst for reinventing your self, your personal life and your business. Purpose becomes the passion, commitment and the desire to reach new peaks. The renewal of your purpose will only require an investment of your time. In the end, your purpose will provide you with a satisfying understanding of “this is why I do what I do everyday.”

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Business and Life Coach Cheri Alguire helps her coaching clients design their business and life plan so that they are truly living life ON PURPOSE. If you would like to create your business plan around your purpose so you too can live on purpose, check out her 17-part Business Planning Guide at www.SmallBusinessPlanningguide.com

Bad Market Good for Marriages

Posted 2008-09-05 by Cheri Alguire

Bad Housing Market Good for Marriages?

It appears that the declining pricing of homes is having a positive effect on the divorce rate, at least in the UK. I saw the below referenced article on the Realtor.Org website today.

As much complaining as we are all doing about the market conditions, maybe this is a silver lining!

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Daily Real Estate News | September 5, 2008

Falling Home Prices Curb Divorce Rate

The sluggish housing market in the U.K. has an upside: The divorce rate is falling. In fact, national figures for the U.K. published in late August show the divorce rate last year was the lowest since 1981.

Analysts from real estate services firm Savills say there's a strong correlation between housing prices and the divorce rate.

"As house prices rise, home owners undoubtedly feel wealthier and our supposition is that they also feel able to afford to get divorced," says Lucian Cook, director of Savills Research. "We forecast that the current falls in property prices will result in fewer divorces, even allowing for the overriding downward trend in the UK's divorce rate."

However, family law expert Jill Goldman tells London's Daily Mail that financial woes often will cause arguments and put a strain on relationships; so there may be some divorces that are actually caused by dropping home values.

Sources: REALTOR® Magazine Online, Savills Research, Daily Mail